Every Body in Miami

I have observed that all bums wiggle. The old ones, the new ones, the fat ones, the droopy ones, the tight gay ones.

Of course, you can only detect this when everyone around you is wearing a bathing suit. And everyone in Miami is in a bathing suit.

The Women

"Normal" is very flexible for women here. Maybe she’s got a flat stomach, but a big bum. Nice breasts, but no waist. A lovely figure, but a lot of cellulite. Long legs but leathery skin.

The amazing thing is that 97% of all the the woman I saw, regardless of age, wore two piece suits, no matter what they looked like. I was glad to know that most other women did not get sucked into that marketing mindset where you think if you don't look like that, you look like sh*t. Must just be me. And I'm glad.

I saw one woman on the beach, maybe she was 8 years younger than me, who looked great from afar, but upon closer inspection (and you know that's what women do to each other) you saw she had lost a significant amount of weight, and had reached the age where the skin does not shrink back. She had alot of excess skin, although you could tell that underneath she had muscles. I was most impressed with her; she did a thing she was clearly proud of, and was showing off her hard-won victory. You so go, girl!

There are all shapes in Miami, and varying degrees of fashion sense to go with them. The fake boobs are somewhat easy to spot, like the pair I saw spilling out of a tube top. They were solid round, um, orbs, on this woman’s chest, with no visible means of support, and yet they were fully round and pushed up (and practically over) the top of the tube. I know very little about physics, but clearly I was looking at a situation that required Einstein to explain, because what else could it be but an anomaly in the space/time continium?

What surprised me is how many people (okay, women) looked worse than I did. And it's not because I look fabulous, it's because they were wearing things that didn't fit. Note to other women: you WILL NOT fit into a bathing suit that is in your size. They just don't work like that. I had to get used to the idea that any suit I bought was going to be two and possible three sizes "bigger" than what I wore in clothes. So if you are a 14, don't think you'll be able to squish into a 12 like you can with jeans. You won't even be able to shimmy into a 14.

Oh sure, some - and I say some - of the college-aged gals looked like they should, but good lord, some of the others...there really is an obesity epidemic in this country. But, apparently, in Miami you soo don't care.

The Men

Straight Guys: straight guys think they always look okay no matter what they look like. A beer belly is no deterrent to their sense of manly self. If they had six-pack abs once, they have a case (geddit?) now, but they know they had a six-pack once, and that’s enough.

Gay Guys: Gay guys come in all different sizes as well, which is somewhat heartening, because it means that most of "them" look like most of "us" (the male "us" if they used good skin care, say). Oh sure, you do see the ones that work out all the time, but they seem to have forgotten they have a lower half, and so look a little like the Abominable Snowman above and Hermey the Dentist Elf below. One pair, from Europe I suspect, had perky young trim slender tanned bodies, wore boy shorts (is that what you’d call them on a boy?) that were so low (as opposed to short) that they looked like they were hoping some handsome young thing would yank them down and do them right there on the beach.

What a great hotel

A new me - Miami style!

Where we ate

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